Life as seen through the eyes of an awakening autistic mother
From the edge of sanity
Who am I?
Hi. I am Heidi. I am autistic (asd level 1…high functioning…formerly known as aspergers) I also suffer from a variety of mental health (and by proxy…) personality disorders.(Because #smalltownconservativedogmarelatedtrauma.)
I am an awakening soul. Ie I am expanding my consciousness. Ie I am transcending the ego and moving into alignment with spirit. Ie I am on my path to enlightenment. Ie I am raising my frequency. Ie I am moving closer to God.
Many names and faces, none totally accurate. If humans had the answers we’d all be Christ by now.
Human suffering is what drove me to seek out God. Healing is what I thought I was after, without knowing that true healing is also the process of moving closer to God.
So many lovely (and then again not so lovely, and sometimes down right terrifying) revelations have formed part of my journey…and this is the platform I am using to share my revelations/realizations with you, dear reader.
Maybe my hard won lessons can help make your journey (to healing/peace/God) a little less onerous than mine has been. Maybe you can take inspiration from me. Because if someone as badly damaged and flawed as I am can pull myself back from the edge of sanity, then so too my friend… can you
- The pain of purification
- Salvation through sanctification: Becoming Christs.
- Hypatia: The first feminist martyr?
- Grains of Truth
- Who is God to me, now?
Meet Heidi. She is a rapidly ageing woman/child with CPTSD*. She’s autistic, had ADD**, NPD***, BPD**** AND HPD*****. ALLLL the psyche ward acronyms
Honestly,I am no longer on firm ground when it comes to my notions on God. My world was turned upside down the day I grew desperate enough to pray to a Christian God I’d stopped believing in 22 years ago…
I self diagnosed at the age of 30, after seeing, in the female lead of the netflix series “queens gambit”, behaviors and “peculiarities” that mirrored my own as a child. Forgotten behavior’s I’d long since learned to forsake. Not very accepting of autistic peculiarites, was the society to which I was born…
A turn of phrase…BPD is not a drug. Although it does impair consciousness and skew perception. Being borderline places me, literally, on the edge of sanity. Luckily for me I have self awareness and God on my side. One day I’ll be free of this particular set of demons. And on that day I’ll write a book helping others to do the same, for themselves.
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Yoga no more?
Everything (well…not quiet everything) I thought I KNEW might, after all…be wrong. Or partially true, true to a point and perspective. Yoga woke me up and gave me power. But were those powers in my best interest? It’s all relative. Maybe, what worked yesterday will not work tomorrow. I am developing a new spiritual practice and this time it includes the teachings of Jesus and other Christian prophets.
A little Yin to our Yang
Bringing balance to a patriarchal society.
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The journey to a more conscious ME
Today’s post gives practical examples of what an expansion of consciousness can look like, in real life.
I’m going to tell you a story…
It all started with me, straddling my then 6 year old brother, hands wrapped around his throat, strangling him in a fit of rage.
Questions for the Christian God, part 2
QUESTIONS: Am i allowed to be humorous? Am I not meant to be “sorrow faced and solemn?” Is this your punishment for the thing with the apple? Is sarcasm allowed? I feel like, since adopting Christian spiritual practices and reading “the word” every day, I am becoming afraid of displeasing you, and I do not think that this is beneficial to our relationship…Am I wrong, God? I really would like to know.
What even IS the expansion of consciousness?
Let’s begin with this quote from Eckharte Tolle:
The density of the ego depends on the degree to which you-the consciousness-are identified with your mind, with thinking..
Our first task, is to differentiate between YOU and the ego.
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Who is God, to me?
Honestly, I am no longer on firm ground when it comes to my notions on God. My spiritual world was turned upside down the day I grew desperate enough to pray to a Christian God I’d stopped believing in 22 years ago…
The journey to a more conscious me
Today’s post gives practical examples of what an expansion of consciousness can look like, in real life.
More specifically, what the first expansion of consciousness looked like in MY life.
I had my first experience of Self awareness at a pretty young age.
It all started with me, straddling my then 6 year old brother, hands wrapped around his throat, strangling him in a fit of rage.
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This is your brain on BPD
A turn of phrase…BPD is not a drug. Although it does impair consciousness and skew perception. Being borderline places me, literally, on the edge of sanity. Luckily for me I have self awareness and God on my side. One day I’ll be free of this particular set of demons. And on that day I’ll write…
Questions for the Christian God
I read the Bible daily now. I do not agree with alot of what is in there… The tone. The seriousness. The violence. I am particularly triggered by the misogyny.
I am learning that, not everything within the Bible is of God.
There is alot of Truth in there though, and I find the more that I read, the more I see… (of the nature of God and existence) understand… (God’s plan) and heal…. ( resulting in a kinder, more present me)
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Who is God, to me?
Honestly, I am no longer on firm ground when it comes to my notions on God. My spiritual world was turned upside down the day I grew desperate enough to pray to a Christian God I’d stopped believing in 22 years ago…
Femme fit, Malawi. We’re not ONLY a gym… We’re a movement.
A movement advocating for an inclusive and balanced society.
It is not enough to give yin permission to participate in (and therefore conform to…) a yang society.
The entire structure of our society, founded on purely toxic yang (masculine) energy, must be dissembled and built anew, on firmer, more fairly balanced foundations.
No human being is either/or.
We all possess elements of yin (feminine) and yang (masculine).
This ignorant patriarchy is yang at its most toxic. Without yin, yang cannot prosper and neither can we, while we prescribe to an unbalanced way of life.
The Philosophy of weight loss
Food propoganda: They’ve made addicts of us all! The “distasteful” addiction (which most of us suffer from…) that no one wants to talk about
We live in a world that, in general, has cultivated in and forced upon us a very unhealthy relationship to food and our bodies.
FEEL NO GUILT FOR YOUR FOOD ADDICTION AND WEIGHT ISSUES. It is a toxic society that has caused this in you. Guilt is a BIG driving force in unhealthy relationship to food and the body. NOTICE when you are feeling shame or guilt, and remind yourself that this is NOT your fault. When the feelings/thoughts of guilt and shame arise…acknowledge them, and gently push them aside. The more you do this the less power the guilt will hold over you.
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